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Conscious Parenting Podcast Section.
This is a Continuation!
Please see the previous Blog:
Living and Loving As An Evolutionary Family for the first part . . .
May these words help you and your children embody and radiate love, like rays
of life-sustaining sunshine, as you navigate the unchartered waters of
daily living with clarity, confidence and ease.
Due to the dynamic nature of interaction between the host and guest speaker on this Podcast
some of the text here is in outline form and not necessarily as presented in the Podcast.
TIMOTHY: That’s something most parents and adults forget . . . young children do not have the ability to reason—they can’t think like we do—there’s a developmental process that takes place in stages from the time we’re born till we’re in our late teens and even early twenties.
My hair dresser was recently telling me how when her almost 3 year old granddaughter gets upset, they set her aside, point to her heart and tell her to stay there until she finds the happy place in her heart. She said the little girl complies but doesn’t really know what the happy place is. I asked her if they gave her an example feeling wise—equated the happy place to when she feels the most joy doing something. She said no and thanked me for the suggestion.
If we’re going to raise children consciously we need to know what they are capable of and how to address their needs in a way they can understand. Joseph Chilton Pearce’s book, Magical Parent, Magical Child and any of the children’s books by Marshall Rosenberg’s Non Violent Communication organization are excellent resources.
Coming back to our example of the little girl being told to flip the light switch on Cliff, “What could this little girl’s mom had done or said in this situation?”
CLIFF: Mom could have started with acknowledging what her little girl was feeling. “Oh, so you are really afraid in the dark?” Then they could have co created a way to ease the child’s fears.
When this isn’t done and a child has to take their needs into their own hands, things can get really dangerous.
Things to address: if adults come with panic, rage, children need to feel someone is there . . . go to toys or us and make connection with a stuffed animal…skin feels safe or comfortable . . .go to sleep with this and it has the right feel. Body knows no emergency.
Kids don’t know diff between emergency and discomfort on need. Stabilize child to create ways to help with normal discomfort like being alone at night. Stabilize with sensations that go into emotions and feelings. Calms impulses.
TIMOTHY: I have a friend in her late forties who just realized that, because she thought her mom liked her sister more because of certain actions and responses, she thought her mom wanted her to die and not be there at all. This was coupled with her dad actually physically abusing her and her mom denying all of it. My friend also saw how thinking her mom wanted her to die and denying the very real physical abuse of the father, created subsequent situations in her life where she not only came close to dying multiple times but drew men to her that abused her.
So here’s a little girl who made assumptions based on what she perceived and, at the same time, was being physically abused which her mom ignored.
I’m sure many children make assumptions like this. My mom thought her cousin was her brother until she was a teen because he lived with her family so much from a very young age.
I’m also sure many children do not get their needs met even in families that are trying to be conscious. And then there are children who are physically abused in very violent ways. How do children survive these situations and what are the effects.
Children can’t think so they conclude . . . build around conclusions not insight.
Keep coming back to basic needs of safety, belonging need and trust kept consistent no matter what the age of the child. Hard to get on with intimacy, self esteem which are built on 3 primary . . .
CLIFF: (range of effects)
TAKING ON NEED IN A SURVIVAL ZONE . . .
EXTENT OF SURVIVAL ZONES: LYMBIC SYSTEM OR REPTILLIAN BRAIN HAS LIFESAVING AND DYSFUNCTIONAL SIDE . . .
Extremes from going wild to getting back to needs being met.
Self esteem built on 50% lovable (family and friends) and 50% capable (too much from limbic brain strategies instead of encouraging them to develop capabilities from outward bound, music, aikido—move up skills—like sports if not winning and losing based.
EXTREME SITUATION RELYING ON THIS . . . IN EXTREME THAT PROTECTIVE SYSTEM CREATES DISSOCIATION – DEMONIC OR PHYSCIAL OR SEXUAL – EXTREME LONER –MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES
THEY CAN ONLY VISUALIZE SENSE OF SELF BEING PLACED IN A BUBBBLE—NO ONE CAN GET TO IT – TAKES A LOT OF WORK TO SORT THROUGH SPLINTERED PARTS AND FIND THE SACRED PART THAT SURVIVED INSIDE SACRED BUBBLE . . .
SCHIZOPHRENIA – MOST SENSITIVE KIDS IN FAMILY AND TAKE ON UNCONSCIOUS ISSUES OF WHOLE FAMILY AND PROTECTIVE SYSTEM OVERLOADED…TRY TO RUN, HIDE, FIGHT PSYCHIC GARBAGE AND GOING TO FARTHEST EXTENT OF PROTECTING AT ALL COSTS…..
EXTREME PTSD . . . RUN, HIDE, FIGHT . . .
THANK REPTILLIAN PART AS IT’S LIFE SAVING . . .
DYSFUNCTIONAL IF USING RUNNING, HIDING, FIGHTING . . . LONER, PLEASER CONTROLLER. REPTILLIAN REACTIONS WHEN TRYING TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP OR RAISING CHILDREN OR A WORK SITUATION AND NOT AWARE YOUR INTERACTIONS ARE COMING FROM THE LIFE AND DEATH STANCE . . .
TIMOTHY: I can see how many of these same issues play out with all children to a lesser degree—like my friend feeling her mother wanted her dead or my mom thinking a cousin was her brother. Consciousness becomes so intertwined between people in families that children can easily pick up insecurities simply by identifying with parental or other people’s insecurities.
CLIFF: Yes and children can also sit hypnotized for hours every day in front of the television or gaming station identifying with the feelings of the characters. They laugh while some silly, dumb cartoon character gets banged on the head by a cartoon animal for doing something stupid. This type of identification may develop a sense of humor, but too much can develop callousness. Stories about loner, pleaser and controller—survivor roles—because they cause tension and drama. Main focus of survivor story like reptilian brain—offshoots of limbic brain—winning or losing instead of living or dying. Gym to beef up limbic brain.
Kentucky—all felt losers . . . system limbic . . . no serotonin all act like animals.
Children may also get scared in their guts at some monster movie, or have nightmares about being shot and strangled, picked up from a weekly police series they saw on TV just before bed, where they identified with the victim.
TIMOTHY: And it’s not just children that pick up and identify with other people’s insecurities. A parent can find themselves listening to and being moved emotionally by a friend complaining about all the troubles he’s having with his family only to come back home and lets out the frustration he picked up on his own family.
CLIFF: If a parent keeps getting angry unjustly, a child’s sense of self-worth is damaged. If anger is appropriate to the situation and not based on parent’s own problems, a child will gain in having to take responsibility for himself and in self-respect. Expressing feelings and honest emotion to a child, whether anger or affection, speaks true because it is real.
When parents are not very honest about their own feelings with themselves or each other, children become psychically aware of this block and are unlikely to have the trust to share their inner worlds openly either.
TIMOTHY: You said earlier that Trust was one of the three things every child needs. It sounds like the foundation for that trust can come from forming a family bond committed to openness, communing, and exploring life together—just not the outer life but the inner life as well. We all know the old ways of asserting authority on a child, without conveying why beyond just because I said so, does not promote trust and understanding.
CLIFF: Yes, we must get out of being caught in our own stuff to get into another’s world and discover their needs. The effort to probe the causes of disturbances and frustrations in our selves first, then in others and our children, is a way to get beyond our filters, beliefs, assumptions, and robot ways of reacting.
An evolutionary family, a conscious family seeks out and acknowledges the gifts of each family member. They acknowledge and are aware of the evolutionary potential, the potential for much deeper love, perception and understanding, that comes through seeing each other as mirrors and reflectors by which they can learn more about themselves—through which they can resolve and release past traumas and other energies blocking the full expression of their beings.
TIMOTHY: Are there general stages people go through when releasing and resolving these past traumas we’ve been talking about?
CLIFF: Points to cover:
JOURNEY OF RECOVERY . . . STABILIZING . . . MIND, BODY, AND HEART—MEDITATION—AND MANAGING NEEDS
- RECOGNIZE WHEN USING SURVIVOR.
- ACCEPTANCE OF NEED YOU HAVE AND DEALING AS SURVIVOR HASN’T WORKED…HAVE LEGIT NEED . . . MISTAKE IT FOR ACTUAL PERSONALITY….JUST ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM . . . SURE SIGN THEY ARE STUCK IN SURVIVAL PERSONALITY . . .
- CHOOSE TO USE HUMAN WAYS TO MEET NEED VS SURVIVOR—DIFFERENT THAN PLEASER, LONER, OR CONTROL FREAK
- INTEGRATION OF SAFETY BELONGING TRUST WITH SELF ESTEEM NEEDS, INTIMACY—PULLING ALL TOGETHER
TIMOTHY: That brings a couple questions to mind: Does everyone go through these same stages . . . from the severely traumatized to those who are still functioning at what we call normal everyday life? And how do people know if they are operating out of the healthy aspects of themselves or the survival aspects?
CLIFF: LESS SEVERE . . . EVERYDAY NEUROTIC STUFF . . . ACTIVE ADDICTIONS WHAT WE CALL NORMAL OR NEAR FUNCTIONAL
NEEDS…DOES NOT GET AND GOES BACK TO REPTILE . . .
THEY RECOGNIZE UNDER STRESS THEY REVERT TO REPTILE SELF.
OPENING DOOR TO LIVING ONLY AS SURVIVORS—WHY NOTHING FEELS WHOLE AND COMPLETE
CONSCIOUS FAMILY . . . REALIZE THEY’VE BEEN AFFECTED…PRINCIPLE OF CONTRAST CUED INTO KNOWING AND MOVE INTO STAGE TWO . . .THE NEEDS . . . STABILIZE SO COORDINATE WAY OF GETTING NEED MET IN . . .
CAN’T ALWAYS BE CONSCIOUS BUT NOT PUNISH OURSELVES
TIMOTHY: Not punishing ourselves when we have momentarily lapses of consciousness and using them to learn from is so important.
When everyone in the family realizes there will be these challenging moments that come up where someone or everyone gets wounded, they can be transformed into win/win results for everyone. We no longer blame anyone and start seeing parts of ourselves in everyone else. We use creative conflict and self-examination to enhance our growth and experiences of living in and as peace, love and bliss—we begin to flower a new type of love in family living.
CLIFF: Yes, in creative conflict we agree to disagree and to respect each other’s right to disagree. We must be willing to challenge family members on their attitudes and assumptions in a loving way, and be ready to be challenged by them.
As we treat each other in these conscious ways, we are also healing the evolutionary path of past generations bringing an end to unconscious actions.
TIMOTHY: Yes. Miracle after miracle does get created in the playground of a conscious, evolutionary family. Miracles that flow back generations; fill our world with loving vibrations where everyone is treated with reverence, love and respect; and flow into the future on the wings of our children.
Paramahansa Yogananda said, “Parents and children should understand that their relationship is not fortuitous, but is due to a divine plan. Family life is the laboratory in which human love can be transformed into God's perfect love.”
He also said, “To help your family with food is necessary, but to help them develop their mental powers is more necessary. To help develop their souls by leading them to meditative ways of God-contact is of paramount importance.
If young people, before getting entangled in worldly life, experience the bliss of meditation, they are little likely to fall victim in later years to the ubiquitous sense delusions.”
And The Dalai Lama says, “If every child in the world would be taught meditation, we would eliminate violence from the world within one generation.”
Prayer and Meditation helps us see into our family life and provide us with the energy and illumination to solve our problems. A family meditation program leads us to deeper, richer friendships; freedom from anxiety; spontaneity and creativity in play; open, loving family relationships, and feelings of trust, belonging and safety.
Meditation assists us in shifting “survivor” brain reactions that propel us into the limited reactions of being a “loner, pleaser or controller” into stabilizing responses.
Meditation improves self-image. Children learn they can become a master of themselves by quieting their bodies, emotions and thoughts to experience the deeper reality of their spirit. They gain a sense of inner authority as questions are answered from within.
In the joy, sense of wellbeing, and direct perception that opens up in meditation, children gain self-reliance and can do better in whatever interests them. The vibrant and often scattered energies of childhood become directed and used, by the children themselves, to achieve their own goals.
Meditation also awakens dormant brain cells, giving you access to the 85 to 90% of the brain most people do not use.
In establishing a daily family meditation program, it’s important for parents to meditate first. Then invite your children to join if they haven’t already asked—children learn by imitation and identification with you. If they resist, don’t force them.
Domination backfires into resentment.
Let them know meditation and prayer is as important as eating and playing, brushing teeth, bathing, reading. Let them know you are setting aside the same time each day and if they do not choose to participate they have the option of doing something else that is nourishing . . . like reading or listening to soft music—no electronics or playing outside.
Start slow . . . Five minutes of prayers and another five minutes of meditation will be a good exercise, whose taste itself will persuade the children to make it a habit. Tender minds have to be fed with tenderness.
If you and your children also adopt the habit of daily prayer when rising from bed and going to sleep you’ll find it adds calm and contentment.
You and your children can also repeat the name of God that captivates your heart throughout the day. This will enable you to control the restlessness and wanderings of your mind.
The great Indian Saint Sai Baba said, “When you have god’s name in your heart and on your tongue, you will never go astray. Your hands will be clean, your eyes will be bright, and your face will beam with courage and self-confidence. That name is a thunderbolt that will pulverize mountains of sin . . . and . . . surely endow you with Shanti (Peace).”
Sai Baba also said, “Two roads lead to fulfillment: prayer and meditation. Prayer makes you a supplicant at the feet of God; meditation induces God to come down to you and inspires you to raise yourselves to Him. It tends to make you come together, not place one on a lower level and the other on a higher.”
Let’s meditate. This is a meditation you can share with your children if you like. WE invite you to sit with your back straight but not rigid. Imagine you’re like a puppet and there’s a string on top of your head pulling you up so your spine is straight. If it’s safe to do so, gently close your eyes. Now, breathe in slowly through your nose. Keep your mouth closed. Breathe out slowly through your nose. Let’s do this again.
Slowly breathe in as I count to three (1 . . . 2 . . . 3). Hold your breath to three (1 . . . 2 . . . 3). Breathe out slowly through your nose (1 . . . 2 . . . 3).
Let’s do this several more times.
Slowly inhale (1 . . . 2 . . . 3). Hold your breath (1 . . . 2 . . . 3). Slowly breathe out through your nose (1 . . . 2 . . . 3).
Slowly breathe in (1 . . . 2 . . . 3). Hold your breath (1 . . . 2 . . . 3). Slowly exhale through your nose (1 . . . 2 . . . 3).
Now, just relax and let your breath flow in and out all by itself. Be still. As your breath moves in and out, in and out, in and out, feel like you are a gentle wave rising slowly . . . up . . . and . . . slowly down on the sea.
Each time you breathe . . . in . . . and . . . out . . . feel like you are the gentle wave. With each breath in and out you are going deeper and deeper into meditation. I’ll count waves and when I get to ten you will be a quiet wave and you will be the calm sea and you will be deeply relaxed.
1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . 7 . . . 8 . . . 9 . . . 10.
There, you are the calm, quiet wave; the calm, quiet sea.
As the calm, quiet wave on the surface of the sea you decide to explore the depths of the sea. Imagine, you are going down, down, down . . . slowly, slowly, slowly.
1 foot down . . . 2 feet down . . . 3 feet down . . . 4 feet down . . . 5 feet down . . . 6 feet. . . 7 feet . . . 8 feet . . . 9 feet . . . 10 feet. You are even calmer and quieter than when you were the wave on the surface. You can barely feel a ripple and you decide to go down further still.
You’re now 11 feet down . . . 12 feet down . . . 13 feet down . . . 14 feet . . . 15 feet . . . 16 . . . 17 . . . 18. . . 19 . . . 20 feet down. You are so quiet. So calm. Calmer than you’ve ever been.
It’s now so still and so quiet the only thing you can hear is your own heartbeat. Listen to what your heart is telling you . . . If you don’t hear or feel anything right now, it may show up later. Just be with the heartbeat of your heart in the stillness of the deep, still sea.
Feel how weightless you feel floating in the stillness of the sea. Feel how warm the water is all around you. Feel how the rays of the sun are warming the water all around you.
Now, feel your toes. Imagine that your toes are disappearing, vanishing into the sea. Feel your feet. Feel them disappear into the light of the sunlit sea all around . . . No feet, only light.
Feel your ankles and imagine they are vanishing, disappearing. Now your lower legs are vanishing. Feel your knees and feel them disappear, dissolving into the light of the sunlit sea. Feel your upper legs and feel them disappearing, merging into the light.
Imagine your buttocks and stomach disappear, dissolving into the light. Feel your chest and feel it totally disappear. Feel your back and feel it dissolving, merging with the light, merging with the sea.
And now your arms and hands and fingers . . . they’re so light and now they are dissolving, disappearing into and becoming light itself. Feel your shoulders and feel them vanish into the light. Feel your neck and feel it dissolve.
Imagine your chin, mouth, cheeks and nose dissolve into the stillness of the sea, the sunlit sea. Your eyes, ears, and forehead are disappearing and now the very top of your head has disappeared into the light . . . there is no body left, it has entirely disappeared. All of it’s cells, molecules and atoms have dissolved into pure light, the stillness of the sea, nothing.
And now imagine your mind is disappearing. All thoughts, no matter how divine or how terrible, are dissolving. Everything you have ever been taught and everything you’ve ever believed, is dissolving, disappearing into the stillness of the sunlit sea. All knowledge and all ignorance disappears. All fear, anger, depression, jealousy, envy and greed dissolve into the stillness of the sea. All boredom and laziness, all thrills and desires, dissolve into the vast stillness of the sea.
There is nothing left, just your real Self. Nothing left but your awareness—your awareness that came to Earth when your were born to live, play, eat, sleep, walk, talk, listen, breathe, and grow in your body. Only your awareness remains—you remember who you really are. You remember you are not your body. You had forgotten who you really are. You began to believe you were your body.
Now you remember who you really are. You remember what it’s like to have no body! You remember what it’s like to be pure awareness—pure space—pure peace—pure light.
You’ll never again forget that you are more than your body—that you are eternal, ever present, ever conscious, ever new bliss.
Now, let’s slowly remake your body and imagine all your skin, all your bones and blood, and all your organs coming back to you.
Imagine your senses returning—your touch, you can feel the warm water of the sea as you start to float back to the surface—you can feel your skin, muscles and bones again. You can feel your arms and hands, your legs and feet as you rise closer to the surface.
Your hearing returns—you can hear more and more sounds as you get closer and closer to the surface.
Your taste—you can sense the taste of your own mouth again. You can feel your tongue. As you gently break through to the surface you inhale a breath of fresh air and can smell the seawater. You hear the sounds of seagulls and children playing on the beach. Before you open your eyes, what else do you hear?
Now, open your eyes very slowly. Everything may look very fuzzy, filled with light. Enjoy the light. It’s who you really are. Slowly look around. Who or what is the first thing you see? Do things look different? Do you feel different?
Practicing this meditation and any of the other meditations and practices we’ve shared during the last 12 weeks will transform every aspect of your lives—these practices are alive and carry the energies and blessings of many great teachers, saints, masters and archangels. They are far more than words.
If you would like to contact Cliff or me, please email us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
With divine blessings of love, light, gratitude, bliss and health in every moment of your precious and beautiful life, streaming from my soul to your soul, from my heart to your heart, within the ONE INFINITE LOVE we are, enjoy each moment in and as the bliss you are. Enjoy evolving into the blissful love you are as a conscious family. Let your blissful love light the hearts of everyone you meet.
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